Andros.isTeen = false;

[logomancer]

I am now twenty years old. A great deal has changed. I am no longer a teenager, for one. No more use for special words to describe my age, just xty-y until I get insanely old. It's a bit of a big step, that. And yet, despite this being the day of my birth, I am sad.

I feel alone. Lonely. Empty inside. For some reason, I am preoccupied with the fear of me at some future age having no life, of being Irrelevant and Insignificant, of having a shit job somewhere out in the middle of nowhere with no friends or companions for company. It's depressing. I am afraid of the future, for I think it might be happening to me.

I have few friends of mention at present. Few people pay me mind. When I try to do something for the rest of the group, I am shouted down and ridiculed until someone else steps up. I feel like the world has conspired against me, that I'm the butt of some cosmic joke. And I don't understand why.

I'm sorry if anything I said has hurt any of you. I've just had this sense and feeling growing inside of me for a while now, and I felt that I should let it out before it consumed me.

I just looked out my window, and it's stopped raining. I'm not sure whether that is good or bad.

Comments

[uilos.livejournal.com]

Hey...I've been meaning to ask this but I keep forgetting.

Would VTSFFC be interested in doing some kind of large group yard sale outside where the Capri used to be? I know in the summers they let people set up out there, and I think they let people do it for free.

You're more likely to talk to VTSFFC people than just about anyone else in Spiel; can you pass the question to the VTSFFC list or something please? Thanks.

Thoughts for your birthday :)

[murrday.livejournal.com]

Checking this quick before I bolt for work. I'll say more
about this over time, yet you sound like you could use a
few good words right now, so I'll make a start.

I've had those worry-feelings myself, and I remember.
Yet from my perspective, I don't think your worst-case
scenario is coming true. You've grown since I met you,
and I see you keep growing. You will have friends.
And you do have them now. I'm one.

At 20, I had many of the same things to work on as you do.
Similar challenges with anger, and feeling singled out
in not-good ways. Yet I see you working on that, and
there have been times recently when I felt cheered for you,
because I noticed you making an effort, and it's working.
Looks like I need to let you know about that sooner.
I'm still working on my own challenges with letting myself
talk about beyond-ordinary feelings, though I've been
having a go at it, lately.

It may be I know some things about working through issues
that I can tell you. I'll talk more on that if you wish.
And get you some more Miles books - which ones you got, so
I know what to get you next?

In all, now can be rough, but hang in, it gets better.
I'm betting the future holds more good stuff for you than you
might think.

I'm glad I know you.

Growthful birthday to you, Peg

[vond.livejournal.com]

Lack of self-confidence is a self-perpetuating problem, and it's a huge problem for you, I'm not sure exactly why. Try to pull yourself up out of your depression, and things will turn around on their own once you start feeling better about yourself.

Also, and this is very very important for you to remember, self-confidence and zealotry are not the same thing. Self-confidence doesn't mean feeling like you have the only correct opinion.

Also please don't take this as criticism, it's supposed to help! (by giving you an idea of why you're depressed, I hope)

[cxi162.livejournal.com]

Andros.isTeen = false;

Ah, you refer to yourself as a static object and not a dynamic pointer. I think that says a lot.

;)

Re: Thoughts for your birthday :)

[vt-andros.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

I have Cetaganda, Mirror Dance, and I picked up Cordelia's Honor at TCon.

Oh, and Carly says hi.

[tadakimacun.livejournal.com]

And his data members are public. Tells you worlds about him, really.

[vt-andros.livejournal.com]

That was actually robertliguori, folks...Tada forgot to log out.

Re: Thoughts for your birthday :)

[murrday.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :)

OK, I'm aiming to make it to SOAP Friday, and catch up on
birthday things - I'll bring you a Miles, and bring Tiger
and Bren's presents too, as I got behind accidentally.
Hmmm, there's a thought! *grin* How about if I check the
chronology, and find you one when Miles is 20? Seems like
it would suit.

And hello to Carly too. :)

[colleenk.livejournal.com]

Oh, you really should mention this to yubbie... I know he has lots, I mean LOTS of stuff to sell...

Re: Thoughts for your birthday :)

[colleenk.livejournal.com]

Oh, do read Young Miles. It's not theropy, but it will make you feel better - choose to have Ivan's life, it's better for your mental health, not to talk about your sex life... :)
There is light at the end of tunnel. Sweetie, you will make it, and we'll all be there.

You know...

[anterus.livejournal.com]

You're a good person, you know that? Friendly enough (interaction somewhat limited, but good so far), smart, obviously, and you seem to have a good heart. Seeing as you've apologized for every ... break-down, so to speak, I've seen so far, I'd say that speaks for having a good heart. You've got marketable skills, too. CS still pays, you know, even if not so lucratively as it used to. I doubt you'll be stuck in a dead-end job. And, if you do get there...maybe take a hit and change. Dead end jobs aren't going anywhere, y'know?

Anyrate, methinks you have more friends than you think, judging simply by the number of people who've responed to this post of yours. I should also mention that a few good friends are worth more than a lot of lesser friends. A lot more. I'm very fortunate, I can STILL count on two hands the number of great friends I have. And by great, I mean in the category of describing any member of that set as 'one of my best friends.' As one of these people once said it, "I'm counting my number of best friends on one hand, and I'm still grinning." I've always felt he's got a point. And, really, Andrew, I'm betting you've got at least two people you can put in that category. And you've got some decent friends around here. Just look.

Age: Arbitrary. I mean, sure, in the numbering system most people use, yes, you've finally breached the barrier of repetition. Now all ages you will have are denoted in simple repetition, as opposed to the completely unique set we have because saying tenty just don' sound right you know? In fact, for some odd reason, a lot of other languages have the 10+x (0

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<x<10)>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

You're a good person, you know that? Friendly enough (interaction somewhat limited, but good so far), smart, obviously, and you seem to have a good heart. Seeing as you've apologized for every ... break-down, so to speak, I've seen so far, I'd say that speaks for having a good heart. You've got marketable skills, too. CS still pays, you know, even if not so lucratively as it used to. I doubt you'll be stuck in a dead-end job. And, if you do get there...maybe take a hit and change. Dead end jobs aren't going anywhere, y'know?

Anyrate, methinks you have more friends than you think, judging simply by the number of people who've responed to this post of yours. I should also mention that a few good friends are worth more than a lot of lesser friends. A lot more. I'm very fortunate, I can STILL count on two hands the number of great friends I have. And by great, I mean in the category of describing any member of that set as 'one of my best friends.' As one of these people once said it, "I'm counting my number of best friends on one hand, and I'm still grinning." I've always felt he's got a point. And, really, Andrew, I'm betting you've got at least two people you can put in that category. And you've got some decent friends around here. Just look.

Age: Arbitrary. I mean, sure, in the numbering system most people use, yes, you've finally breached the barrier of repetition. Now all ages you will have are denoted in simple repetition, as opposed to the completely unique set we have because saying tenty just don' sound right you know? In fact, for some odd reason, a lot of other languages have the 10+x (0<x<10) ages being unique numbers. That's kind of odd. My point is that it's arbitrary. Look at yourself. Are you a significantly person than you were yesterday? Last week? Day-to-day, I'm betting you won't be able to say that you are, unless something particularly unique or unusual happens. And, obviously, that's not every day.

Finally...I dunno if I can help at all, even though I used to be a lot like you. Somehow, I just stopped caring about a lot of shit and life got a lot more pleasant. I have no clue how, or, really, why. It's just so much isn't important enough. Heheheh, I guess I'm more important than a lot of it, now, at least to myself. Try it? Worked for me. Just clicked.

You've got friends (real friends, you know. Noone here's trying to get anything out of you), a life a lot of people would love to have (not that that's ever motivated <i>me</i> much, but a good life, at anyrate), and a decent shot a good future. I mean, got to be something in there you can enjoy, right?

Hope you had at least a little fun for your birthday. Will look forward to seeing you and...arr, I feel bad, but I've forgotten her name. Well, not too bad. I do it all the time. Ciao-ciao man. Life's good.

He could be a struct...

[anterus.livejournal.com]

Ooooooooor, this could be referenced by a friend class. See, Andrew? More proof you've got friends. Hehehe.

And you know we all give each other a hard time, 'cause it's fun and we all get a good laugh out of it. Clever humor exercises the mind, and that feels good. Join in!

Re: You know...

[anterus.livejournal.com]

It's not a bloody error, you stupid parser! It's a friggin' inequality symbol!

[tadakimacun.livejournal.com]

I surmise that antalus is Crimson...my name is Carly, you forgetful...person. Remember it or I'll make you use my LJ name when addressing me. :-P

And, Andrew? We will always (we as in me and the other posters) be here for you. Whenever you need a hug, a laugh, an ear, or the ear of another person (ripped or sliced off the offending bugger), don't hesitate to let us know. We're all here. Don't forget it, dearie.

*wolfish grin*

[anterus.livejournal.com]

Ok, what was your name again? Kary, was it?

Besides, I can pronounce your LJ name.

[yubbie.livejournal.com]

Everyone has the fear of getting old and having no life, having a shit job, etc. The bad news is that fear never goes away; the good news is that everyone has it too.

Lots of friends isn't always a good thing. Quality friends counts. You're too hard on yourself, and take any negativity badly; almost violently at times. Most times a negative comment is just that; not a condemnation worthy of prostration.

Bottom line is, you're doing ok.

If you ever want to talk, let me know.

Got some thoughts for you :)

[murrday.livejournal.com]

I jotted down some things to share, learnings I hope you
might find useful. Would you like it as a post or
an e-mail? If e-mail, remind me of your address?
My darn address book fritzed and ate my saved data.

All the Best, Peg

Re: Got some thoughts for you :)

[vt-andros.livejournal.com]

Email it to me at amike@vt.edu .

Sorry this is so late -- work has overtaken me yet again...